FUN OUTLAWED IN THE UK January 03 2001 As the year 2000 comes to a close, the British Government has released an Official Proclamation that all fun is to be made illegal. The notice was incorporated into the Queen of England's annual Christmas speech and is effective immediately. Included in the ban is any pastime, statement or location that may be classed as "fun"; a schedule of controlled activities has also been drawn up, separated into Class A acts - threats to national security such as "enjoyment", "play" and "pleasure" - and the less immediate Class B dangers such as "frolics" "larks" and "joviality". The first sign that Britain was turning against fun came in early 2000, when London's Millennium Dome found itself the subject of huge media and public opposition. The Dome failed to fulfil projected visitor figures, drawing criticism in some quarters that the idea of an enormous tent filled with rides and attractions "was just too much fun". Instead, residents of the United Kingdom concentrated most of the year debating the price of fuel, the weather and the state of the national railways, all of which are of course No Fun Whatsoever. It now turns out that towards the end of the year stealth manoeuvres were set in motion to withdraw all the year's remaining stocks of fun from circulation prior to the Government's announcement. In a move that went largely unchallenged, London Mayor Ken Livingstone decided to cancel plans for the capital's New Year celebrations, claiming that dark political forces within the Greater London Assembly had conspired to prevent the necessary public safety measures from being arranged. "They took one look at my proposals, which included fireworks valued at millions of pounds and a street party led by a procession of white vans", said Livingstone, "and issued a giant 'Bah Humbug'. They said that all this fun would be damaging and likely to bring our city into disrepute." A container ship headed from Australia and loaded with pyrotechnics was turned away at Southampton Docks by Customs officials, who asserted that the vessel had sailed without the proper licenses for providing pleasure and amusement. Come New Year's Eve itself, of course, evidence was mounting that no fun at all would be allowed within Central London. Members of the Metropolitan Police and the emergency services appealed on television for London's population to stay at home, blaming "Arctic conditions" for their decision to block access to the city's streets. The London Underground decided against repeating 1999's all-night Tube train service, stating that "if people were allowed to travel home at any time of the night, they might be able to enjoy themselves without worry or expense, something which we cannot condone." A hard core of Britons, meanwhile, are planning to flout the anti-fun regulations and are already calling for larks and joviality at least to be decriminalised. "My doctor says laughter is the best medicine", said one. "So what about people who need fun for medical reasons?" But the Queen, speaking from her jewel-encrusted palace of fabulous riches, failed to be convinced by such arguments. "The British people - or as I prefer to call them, 'the peasants' - should remember their duty to our great nation. This new law will further enable my subjects to continue their moribund and quite futile existence in a state of utter hopelessness." comment on this article e-mail this to a friend start a discussion [about i-drive] writing index thoughts index dotmusic index Problems? Questions? Suggestions? Contact me: mail@tobyslater.com back to top back to home page

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