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DOME TO BECOME PETROL STATION September 17 2000 As Britain's fuel crisis deepens, our nation's motorists have initiated a new campaign: to tear down the Millennium Dome and turn it into an enormous filling station. Already, blockades have formed across London's major transportation arteries in an attempt to convince the Government into designating the ill-fated tourist attraction as the world's biggest garage and car park. "Tony Blair and his cronies have been trying to force fun and whimsy upon us for nearly a year now", said the boss of one road haulage association yesterday, "and we won't stand for it any more!" "I spit on New Labour's pathetic quasi-educational Body Zone" said another. "We need to teach our children what's really important: the smell of napalm in the morning; night pay kiosks in the evening and an overpriced buffet roll for lunch." Rumours abound that, come the end of the year, the Automobile Association will purchase the Dome, with its sixteen themed "Zones" being re-purposed to suit all the needs of the modern motorist. Inside, a special fuel-gauge skill game will test visitors on how far they can drive on their remaining tank of petrol. LeadedLand will simulate the joys of brain damage and asthma attacks; gambling types can idle away the hours dropping coins into the Air Machine and Car Wash slots. Afterwards, guests can rest their weary gear-shifting hands with a drink in the "Black Gold" restaurant, which promises more than enough travel sweets and Extra Strong Mints to go round. The River Thames from Charing Cross to the Barrier will be used as a giant oil pipeline, delivering a fast-flowing stream of crude directly into the on-site refinery. And on New Year's Eve, it is predicted, sparks from a carelessly-discarded cigarette will turn the gloopy black Thames into a real River of Fire. The general public, interviewed they as they waited before petrol stations in queues one hundred cars long, were delighted by the new concept. "Before, the Dome was about pure entertainment and wholesome if mindless good times", said one. "And to add insult to injury, they expected us to travel there on a brand new, high speed environmentally friendly underground train link using a reduced-rate travelcard!" "Thankfully, at last, the space will be put to good use: as a national hub for juggernauts, eighteen-wheelers and all manner of salesmen driving Ford Escorts with their freshly-pressed shirts hanging above the back seat." comment on this article e-mail this to a friend start a discussion 
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